Smokey McBlog

Roddy Piper still rules

One of my childhood heroes was the famous wrestler-actor “Rowdy” Roddy Piper.  Some may ask why.  I mean, Hulk Hogan played BASS.  I liked to play the bass.  Hulk Hogan was tall.  I was tall.  Yet Roddy did something that many stand-up comedians can’t do. The guy always made me LOL.  Everyone else loved Hulk Hogan and Mr. T.  I worshiped Roddy Piper and stomped around my grade-school playground ranting and raving.  i also put on my mom’s plaid skirt and beat up the neighbor kids to emulate his kilt-wearing, bagpipe playing ass.  Which in retrospect may explain some of the present-day issues I developed in my adult years…here he is being all trendy and stuff playing the electric bagpipes with Public Jones

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Do you like cereal?

I’m betting that unless you are lactose-intolerant or just a plain jerk you do in fact love cereal!  So I’m gonna turn y’all on to this high-level, uncut shit over at www.armchairculture.com.  We are having a cereal tournament, styled like the NCAA hoops championship!  Voting has already begun, so try and get over there to vote for your favorite! BONUS:  The reviews are performed by yours truly.  Yep, my fat ass ate bowls upon bowls of cereal to give you an honest, frank opinon on every fucking cereal you can think of.  And some shit you never did!  So get over there!  Vote!  DO IT!

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Smokey Tour-2009

Booking shows!  Keep your eye on this page for the Dirtbag Vampire tour.  Fags of the world unite!  No, not you, Perez!

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Smokey turns the mutha out

Smokey appeared at Mojo’s nightclub in Jamestown, NY for a suprise guest appearance for the legendary synth-rock band I AM ZEROS AND ONES and rocked the mic to a standing-room only crowd.  Folks cheered like the roof was on fire!  Pics and hopefully video to arrive soon!

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Madonna-Who Gives a Fuck?

Madge wants to add a new african kid to the collection…and they won’t let her!  Why?  Who gives a fuck?  The kid has family but they stuck him in an orphanage!  Fuck!  If Skeletor wants her kid then by golly let that li’l fucker come to her new East Side townhouse.  Why Africa?  Why?

Maybe it’s because for every little Moglwi or whatever his fucking name is, there are what, a zillion other little babies who will be stuck there. I don’t know if going to Africa and picking up a cute baby like some pound puppy is exactly cool.

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Worthless Video Game Review: Fallout 3

Smokey is a little late to the game but offers his useless opinion on last year’s big-time post-apocalyptic gorefest.

 So while I’ve been away from the site I have spent a lot of time playing Fallout 3.  Here are my thoughts:

 A fun game.  A little too drab sometimes, but overall interesting.  I don’t get the hate from the Fallout “purists” who have been attacking the game.  I think the game is more faithful to the series then they give it credit for.  OK, so it’s not turn-based.  Come on, how fun would that be in this day and age?  OK, pretty fun, but still Bethesda “don’t Call Us Argonian” Softworks does a good job reworking the patented Elder Scrolls formula for the classic post-apocalyptic RPG series. 

 And it is extremely fun.

I have no idea why I’m posting screenshots from a six-month old game either…

 

While not exatcly a true first-person shooter, the violent content in the game makes it worthwhile and interesting to do everything from listening to scary recordings or haul off and totally lambaste fools with a plasma rifle.  I hate the level cap, but again I know the Fallout die-hards would have cried.  Hell, they still are anyways.  But come on, man!  Would you rather buy this game or yet another Tactics-like crapfest?

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Chris and Rihanna-Who Gives a Fuck?

(AP) — Chris Brown, who was arrested a week ago in connection with a domestic violence investigation, says he is “sorry and saddened” over what happened.

Is he? Fuck Rihanna and her big ass forehead. You can just look at the bitch and see she is “Disturbia” (seewhatIdidthere?) all right. She sucks and so does her music.

Bitch better recognize

Bitch better recognize

 

“But Smokey,” the more sensitive of you may cry out, “are you condoning beating women?” No, my good friends, I’m condoning beating up Rihanna. Look at her. I fail to see the hawtness. Instead I see a divalicious monster that even nice lil’ baby-faced Brown would smack the shit out of.  OK, ok I kid a little.  No muthafucka should hit a bitch.  But I’m sayin…I understand…

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Michael Phelps-Who Gives A Fuck?

Seriously, who gives a fuck? He’s a kid who likes to party. He’s also an ugly fucker who knows if he couldn’t swim fast he couldn’t ever get laid. I respect the shit out of that. If I won like 400 gold medals my ass would be gettin’ high as a mug. And fucking forty zillion hot chicks at every university I visited. He’s rich enough to cut his losses anyways. Even if he ain’t, you can’t tell me he can’t make money by turning to the drug culture. Shit, I can see his exclusive interview with High Times right now:

HT: So, Mike, what have you been up to lately?

Phelps: Oh, man. Just got back from a tour in Amsterdam. Nice folks up there. Of course I can speak fluent Danish due to Rosetta Stone’s awesome software.

HT: Didn’t they drop your ass too?

Phelps: Oh yeah, dude, Right! Fuck ‘em!

So rock on, Mr. Phelps. I hate to see your career over because of the dank nugs, but at least you will have the memories!

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In Defense of William Friedkin

Once upon a time, children, way back in a magical time of weaker marijuana and unprotected AIDS-free sex called the 70’s there existed a group of young American film directors called either “The New Breed”, “Young Hollywood” or whatever stupid cliche Peter Biskind comes up with to sell his latest book.

Most of you younger folk will recognise the more famous names lumped into that particular category, such as Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. Now they are both old power barons, raping our childhood sensibilities with remade crap and late, late sequels to franchises that probably should have remained long dead (sorry Thrillho)

But one name always stood out to me. The angry guy in the back of the room, insulting everybody else yet unleeashing his often-inconsistent brilliance on an unsuspecting film populace: William Friedkin.

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“Who the fuck is that?” I hear some of you less-geeky readers ask. Well, Friedkin is an undisputed genius who refuses to compromise and hates everybody who stands in the way of his art. Hell, rumor has it he hates everybody period. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t have the career of Lucas or Spielberg.

Anyway, to answer the above question, Friedkin has the honor of directing both two of the best car chases of all time as well as arguably the scariest movie of all-time. While you may not know Friedkin, you probably know “The Exorcist” and maybe even “The French Connection”. Hell you may even remember “To Live And Die In LA”.

In this humble author’s opinion, the above films are all masterpieces. They are all well-known films. The first two are “blockbusters”.

So why doesn’t the average Joe know who this guy is? It’s simple, really. He’s an asshole. By pretty much all accounts, Billy is a true dick who cares for little save getting the film done at all costs.

In 1975, this guy was on top of the world. He could do whatever he wanted. And, unfortunately for him, he did. He spent several years remaking one of his favorite French films, angering financiers, actors, and pretty much everybody else in the process. I feel the result is brilliant. Many don’t. I will tell you that if you haven’t seen “Sorcerer” then you are missing out on the creepiest action flick ever made. No, not creepy in the icky alien sense, but creepy in the snse of dread permeating every frame of the film.

Friedkin pretty much hurt his career bad with this film, and it would be a while before he would move on. And even when he did, the results were uneven. But to me, always kind of awesome. Remember that stupid basketball movie with Nick Nolte and Shaq and Penny Hardaway? Yeah, kinda pretentious, I know. But try and watch it again. You may see the strange dread and futility of Nolte’s character in the end when he spills his guts about the corruption of college basketball. That’s the thing with Friedkin’s films. They rarely have that happy, Lucas-Spielberg ending. They usually have the darkest endings in American cinema since Stanley Kubrick. They rarely have likable characters. Understandable characters, maybe. But in no way shape or form are they usually “lovable”. Do yourself a favor, Wiki this guy’s filmography, Netflix the whole bunch and be prepared to be…drained. While that may sound liuke a not fun time, I guarantee you you will understand why I’m writing this crap.

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Hip-Hop Classics Revisited Vol. 4

Gza/Genius

Liquid Swords (1995)

I have been gone for a while, I admit.  And I thank all you loyal readers for keeping this site traffice flowing.  While I am finally getting my long-time PC issues  resolved, during the wait my output has suffered .  Yet faithful readers from all over to continue to keep this place afloat!  That’s perverse dedication the likes of which we haven’t seen since Houston banged those 500 guys in one day.

Right now, I am going to pull you kids aside and talk about the Wu-Tang Clan.  Most of you young kids these days don’t know how much the Wu dominated 90’s Hip-Hop.  They were EVERYWHERE.  Which unfortunately, was part of the problem.  In addition the group efforts, there were solo albums, spin-off projects, greatest hits packages, clothes, video games, etc.  After so much saturation people said “Enough” and their popularity waned somewhat.

 Be that as it may, the Wu’s influence is still prominent.  The RZA is a production genius who sampled old movies and scary paino tinkles to create disturbing yet always funky soundscapes that influenced many a producer to this day.  Look no further then Smokey’s album and you’ll see how much I stole from him on some of my tracks.

Out of all the Wu albums, my personal favorite is the Genius’ first album, Liquid Swords.  This is the ultimate Wu album.  All of the nine members appear, the RZA is on point on every tracks, and the Genius is so fucking talented that it is a crime that he isn’t any bigger then he already is.  I love Ghostface as much as the next cat but to say he’s Wu’s most talented member earns you a smack in the grill from Smokey’s lyric book.  The Genius (Gza when you scratch his nizzame on the tizzurntable) is so clever with his metaphors that my mind is blown every time I listen to this masterwork of an album.  Some examples:

I put mad pressure, on phony wack rhymes that get hurt
Shit’s played, like zodiac signs on sweatshirt
That’s minimum, and feminine like sandals
My minimum table stacks a verse on a gamble
Energy is felt once the cards are dealt
With the impact of roundhouse kicks from black belts
that attack, the mic-fones like cyclones or typhoon
I represent from midnight to high noon
I don’t waste ink, nigga I think
I drop megaton BOMBS more faster than you blink

 

My rhyme gross weight vehicle combination
Was too heavy for the chevy’s is chased out the station
Double-edged was the guillotine that beheaded it
Gassed up, fuckin with some regular unleaded shit
Heads roll on hillsides behind ropes that
Bind-in, x marks the spot on the scope
Heavily armed military is necessary, it’s a gamble
Mc’s bet they best at every
Powerful parable ditties might harm
If tampered with, set off and strike like pipe bombs
Flashbacks to the duel of the iron mic
Look out for these fatal flying spikes, of massive
Sleep-holds, put strangle on commercial angle
Microphone cords tangled from being star spangled
Now who could ever say they heard of this?
My motherfuckin style is mad murderous

Yeah, I could go on…but Fifty it ain’t.  Which reminds me.  Gza has a new joint out called Pro Tools which contains a great 50 Cent dis track.  Buy it today!

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